What DNFs mean to me

The things I remember most about the Sahara Jordan 2014 were (in descending order of importance):-
1. The pain, the injuries and the management of them
2. The beautiful spectrum of colours in the deserts
3. The massive beautiful rock canyons and formations
4. The so many inspirational conversations I had with participants and the love


From observing myself and others on the trail, seems people including myself drop out of a race for a variety of reasons including just bad days, illness, injuries or perhaps reasons we don't even understand. I was reading from www.irunfar.com and found quite a good comment,

"in ultrarunning the DNF is a much more typical part of the sport than in shorter distances. Doing any one thing (save sleeping) for six-plus hours is generally quite difficult and unusual. When that thing is something as strenuous as running as fast as you can for that time, it only makes sense that so many of the more strenuous ultras have finishing rates in the 50-80% range."

Given the long hours of ultras, seems only naturally to have different learning every time and things never go as planned. The only thing you can do is to adapt and accept.

For Sahara Jordan, I went into the race with the usual mindset that however it played out, I would be happy. And my wish was granted. I didn't get a medal. But I had done 220k and had 7 really happy days.

I would remember Stage 5 for a long long time. I had never struggled with injuries so badly in my life. It never occurred to me in the morning that I should consider withdrawing. After limping down steep loose rocks for an hour, I realized I would not be able to go back up again. But the canyon seemed never ending and every step I was in excruciating pain. Six hours later I came out of the canyon and managed to push for another 6 hours miraculously.  

What was happening in my mind at the 220k mark still seems to me to be quite puzzling. It was 10 pm, Stage 5. I was unusually calm and decided to throw in the towel. I was not exactly sure what questions were going on in my head - was it love? Was it self-preservation? Was I doing more damage than good if I continue on? Should I continue to push ahead?

But very soon, the very calm self in me took over. I felt very contented to stop. It was good enough...


Some people choose to push through virtually anything and finish every race they start, no matter how ugly it gets, while others tend to drop more often than not when things start to go really bad. Maybe there is no such thing as one choice wiser than the other. They simply are different perspectives and different thought processes.

I never seem to understand why on certain days I could keep going consciously or sometimes unconsciously. Other days it just makes sense to stop. I guess this unpredictability is also one of the most fascinating things I like about ultras. Without the mystery and confusion it would all be quite boring.

 "We shall not fail or falter; we shall not weaken or tire...Give us the tools and we will finish the job."
Sir Winston Churchill, BBC radio broadcast, Feb 9, 1941

 Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely...
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

The Fellowship of Monkeys and Cows and the Twin Transmission Towers

Yesterday, Dan suggested doing Mac 6 to 8 and I totally supported the idea. Unfortunately, he wasn't feeling well in the morning, so it was just Lucille and myself hiking. I thought I should do some more training before leaving for Jordan, so loaded my pack with two tubs of rice and drinks.

While people were busy faffing around during Chinese New Year, the monkeys were peaceful and relaxed. They just sat on the side of the road, not paying any attention to us and not expecting food. It was a peaceful and quiet morning, great for having deep conversations.


The Shadow of the Past and the Houses of Healing

Should a mom work on self-healing first before having her own children? I didn't have much ideas other than listening to Lucille sharing other people's ideas as I was hiking. But now that I come to think about it, maybe this doesn't have to happen in chronological sequence. Maybe it's not about clearing all issues before having children. None of us are perfect. We are just humans and it is perfectly acceptable that we will have issues from the past or present that set the scene for us to grow, learn and mature. It is unrealistic if we think we can clear all issues before moving into parenthood. Having said that, I think it's a good idea to make an effort to reflect on what issues we have, why they are there, what are we passing to our children, or what ultimately do we want to give to our children. Some parents think that having children give them a sense of purpose, and some confuse their sense of purpose with that of their children's by consciously or unconsciously projecting their hopes and aspirations to their children in the name of "best interests". If I can ever become a parent, I think ultimately it is love that matters most, and I want to become a better person so that I can give my best to my children.

The Twin (Transmission) Towers


Carrying a heavy pack for 5 hours on Mac 6-8 was a new challenge. As we were admiring and negotiating among the strange rock formations at the top of Tai Mo Shan, the heavy pack made me feel shorter and smaller than usual. I felt like a hobbit in the shire.


The transmission towers seemed especially daunting when we saw them from Needle Hill.With a heavy pack, it was  impossible to run any faster to get there. As we were puffing up the highest peak in Hong Kong, I decided that focusing or looking at them was not helpful. I kept my head down and continued with our interesting conversations.

Galadriel, Lady of Lorien

It was touching listening to Lucille talking about how she wanted to do things that could be a source of motivation and inspiration to her family. Reminds me of Galadriel. Circumstances in life has put her in a position which she has to live with dignity and a strong will. Deep inside, there is a noble and generous spirit, the gift of insight into the minds of others, but she judges them with mercy and understanding. 

With my mom's condition, both my mom and dad can't do much or can't go far now. But that doesn't stop my dad from looking at me as his source of joy, inspiration and pride. I never really described to my dad how I felt at the Gobi March. I just told him that I walked and finished the race. Seeing me coming back almost untouched, he had assumed the RacingThePlanet races are safe, doable and fun. Guess that's still his  perception when I told him I would be doing Sahara/Jordan. He said he knew where the Petra was and remembered the set in Indiana Jones. Good. I know he wouldn't be worried about my safety and injuries. 

Taming of Smeagol

To Lucille and Dan, I have always been Smeagol, trying to lure them into signing up for desert races. Today, Lucille saw me dragging a 4-5 kg pack up and down S6-8 and she had second thoughts about doing these races. We ran out of water for the last 10k and were roasted after the hike. Smeagol had failed utterly and was tamed for now.

2013 Reflections - Challenges, Adventures and Growth

Ideally, I would like to live to the age of around 80 - long enough to satisfy my curiosity and wonder, but hopefully not too long to have to endure the challenges of illness and getting senile. If assuming this wish is granted, this means that 2013 would be the year when I step from the first half to the second half of my life. Worth putting down my thoughts at this juncture.

Some significant events:-

Gobi March

Ultras or other extreme endurance sports have the potentials of shifting people's lives. The physical and mental demands of training and going through races can shake us up, make us face our deepest fears and weaknesses, give us the courage to push all boundaries and live our wildest dreams.

Gobi March certainly opened that door for me, and interestingly, the real transformation came after the race. One of my major takeaways was gaining the courage which I never had. For the past 6 months, I have signed up for tougher local races, and I am so contented and accepted full responsibility for putting myself in all sorts of awful situations in races, one after another. Yet, I felt so blessed and proud of myself that I was able to endure and actually enjoy the experience.

Since Gobi, the racing bucket list has got crazier and crazier, at least that's how my friends describe. But to me, I am just searching for higher quality travelling experience. I used to be a city-hopping traveller, now I just want to see places which are untouched, I want to see places before they are destroyed by global warming or infrastructure development,  I want to experience cultures before they are compromised by commercialism.  More importantly, I want to use my legs to walk these places because walking gives me the connection with mother earth, it gives me the space and time to explore cultures and interact with people and all forms of life, it gives me the awareness that I am somewhere between heaven and earth, where time is linear and finite, and so every moment counts...
  
The social enterprise workshop

My friend Pui Fung said yesterday when we were having a get together drink, "the first two years of a social enterprise is for the most part, a warm-up, a game and nowhere near the substance."  I'm not sure if I can fully appreciate what she is saying, because she is looking back from a ten-year journey. But at least I realize I am only at the start if I want this journey to continue.

The first two years were hard enough, but I treasure each and every moment from the start. The business, the people, the results and the challenges have sped up my personal growth immensely, not to mention the mentorship and support I received along the way.

I've said before that the experience so far is like studying an MBA, acted out by myself and for real. Now that I come to think about it, I have only completed the first semester and looking forward to starting the next round.

Making new friends and finding an adventurous me

I never appreciated how much of a blessing it is living in Hong Kong until recently. Within 18 months, I have explored (with the help of new friends) almost all country parks and trails, the waterfalls and so many other intriguing landmarks that I wouldn't have imagined them to exist. And still there are more!

Work and major reshuffle

What happened to me or around me in the office in the past 2 months, was on the face of it seemed frustrating. Now after some digestion, I can look at it from a different perspective. I think they are significant because the time and the circumstances are finally mature, the dots and lines are about to be connected and take me to the next thing. Will know what this is in 2014 and looking forward to it. That said, I will always be grateful to the past 5 years. I have had so much happiness, fun and growth working in this company.

Officially single and a whole new world begins

The uneventful divorce has been a great blessing. I do not regret closing that door and burying the past, because I can never go back to that life again. It is equally a blessing to find another door leading to a new path, one that is full of unknown and exciting adventures.

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." 
Helen Keller (1880-1968) 

"There is no end to the adventures that we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open."
 Jawaharlal Nehru (1889-1964)

"It is only in adventure that some people succeed in knowing themselves - in finding themselves."
Andre Gide (1869 - 1951)

I Just Want to Travel, That's All

Today, I received an email from RacingThePlanet attaching a fun badge saying "I am training for Sahara/Jordan 2014". Last year this time round, I was spending most of my time training and racing. This year, I am still racing (but for the purpose of training), and not doing much training other than fun hikes. By now I am really convinced that I am not a dedicated runner and I don't aspire to be a good one. I only want to travel and be out there with nature. Putting training, racing and travelling together sounds like a perfect combo for me. Travelling is the motivation and the ultimate goal. The other two are just the means to an end.

I did a bit of research and found a few really good quotes about travelling worth studying and digesting.

"Too many of us wait to do the perfect thing, with the result we do nothing. The way to get ahead is to start now. While many of us are waiting until conditions are "just right" before we go ahead, others are stumbling along, fortunately ignorant of the dangers that beset them. By the time we are, in our superior wisdom, decided to make a start, we discover that those who have gone fearlessly on before, have, in their blundering way, traveled a considerable distance. If you start now, you will know a lot next year that you don't know now, and that you will not know next year, if you wait."

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

- Robert Frost

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude."

- Denis Waitley

"The service we render to others is really the rent we pay for our room on this earth. It is obvious that man is himself a traveler; that the purpose of this world is not "to have and to hold" but "to give and serve." There can be no other meaning."

- Sir Wilfred T. Grenfell

"If you want to succeed you should strike out on new paths, rather than travel the worn paths of accepted success."

- John D. Rockefeller

"To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive."

- Robert Louis Stevenson

An Accidental Journey

Up to now I still have not completely digested the idea of moving my 250k ultra from August to February next year and I am only 120 days away from the next most insane or most fantastic journey of my life.

A few months ago, a friend gave me the idea of changing gear. Changes with my job also made me reconsider the timing of my races. Financially, I would spend less money doing Jordan compared with Madagascar. So that was it. I was meant to do the Jordan race, so I thought.

Half of me trusted that moving to Jordan was the right move. The other half of me started to have doubts such as:- (1) the Jordan is going to be a lot harder than Gobi because the sand makes walking and running very inefficient; (2) there are lots of up and down hills; (3) It will be very cold and even rainy in February, which will mean a heavy pack and wet clothes.

This is a good analogy of life I guess, like an assortment of candies or cookies. You probably won't like all of them, but you have to live with the whole package. To make life happier, you can pace and prioritize yourself, such as how fast you eat up the candies you don't like, giving yourself a treat of the goodies in between the disgusting ones etc..

Yesterday I typed out the words "an accidental journey" on Google and found an interesting website. It was about an event or a platform bringing together speakers sharing their experience on innovative and inspiring ways to open the next door in your life's journey. A doorway to inspiration, direction and purpose. Perhaps I should look at my accidental journey from this perspective too.

Between the Inner Journey and Outer Journey

“What if our religion was each other  
If our practice was our life
If prayer, our words
What if the temple was the Earth  
If forests were our church  
If holy water—the rivers, lakes, and ocean
What if meditation was our relationships
If the teacher was life
If wisdom was self-knowledge  
If love was the center of our being.” ~ Ganga White

It has been quite some time since I formed a habit of morning short meditation and prayers. It is a great blessing that the first thing I am consciously aware of everyday is gratitude, then comes compassion, trust, surrender, healing and forgiveness. It has taken a long journey to get to this natural state of experiencing love and happiness.

The journey from then to now has been a lot more fun than I thought. When I first graduated from university, I went through a few bumpy years of changing jobs and relationship disappointment, but that also led me to deeper self-discovery and a broad spectrum of spiritual experiences.

For many years, I thought the spiritual path for the rest of my life would be largely inward, based on meditation and yoga. I am very grateful that yoga and meditation are still the core of my spiritual existence, but God seems to have given me a big bonus. Work has brought me to connect with people and cultures from all over the world. More recently, I bumped into another bonus called ultra running.    

The outer journey is a precious experience of seeing the beauty and wonders of creation. This has given me tremendous inspiration, on how I can expand on the gifts that I've been given, and channel the love, compassion and happiness through humble and meaningful service. It is amazing that this source of inspiration has been like a self-perpetuating fountain. The more I use it, the more I get.

After a 12 year cycle of discovering my spirituality, I feel like going back to the person I was 12 years ago, and tell myself, "I am the person you are looking for and that journey ahead is a life you will never regret". 

 “Your life is a sacred journey. It is about change, growth, discovery, movement, transformation, continuously expanding your vision of what is possible, stretching your soul, learning to see clearly and deeply, listening to your intuition, taking courageous challenges at every step along the way. You are on the path… exactly where you are meant to be right now… And from here, you can only go forward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing, of courage, of beauty, of wisdom, of power, of dignity, and of love.” ~ by Caroline Adams

A New Running Season

 “We must become so alone, so utterly alone, that we withdraw into our innermost self. It is a way of bitter suffering. But then our solitude is overcome, we are no longer alone, for we find that our innermost self is the spirit, that it is God, the indivisible. And suddenly we find ourselves in the midst of the world, yet undisturbed by its multiplicity, for our innermost soul we know ourselves to be one with all being.”
― Herman Hesse

 “There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more”

― George Gordon Byron

Tomorrow is the start of a new running season and I am in a very different mood compared with last year. Last year this time, I was filled with lots of excitement. I was training with the same group of three friends aiming at the first ultra in my life - The Raleigh Wilson Challenge. By now, one teammate has found a new venture in Kenya, another teammate is no longer interested or has no time for ultras. Only Sam who has inspired me about ultras and has taken me on this journey is still my training buddy. But she often has to travel for work and so I have been training by myself or with a group of new friends this summer. I certainly enjoy the company of friends, but being alone gives me the time and space to communicate with my inner self, and gives me a great sense of inner peace.

I am much less aggressive compared with last year. I would just take my training gently, slowly and at a slow speed. I enjoy just to be out there in the nature by myself, under whatever weather. I stop whenever I feel like stopping, feel the breeze brushing my face, feel grateful that I have gone through so many interesting races, journeys and have met so many people along the way.

I still have exciting plans in my bucket though. The 2014 highlights would hopefully be finishing Vibram HK100, RacingThePlanet Jordan and UTMF STY. Later in the year, hopefully I can have a first taste of Oxfam Trailwalker. 2015 would be the Mustang Trail Race in Spring and late summer would be UTMB TDS. Or maybe most of these efforts are intended to prepare myself for UTMB TDS. I haven't seen my great friend Dolores for years and it would be wonderful if we can have a reunion at the Chamonix.